Monday, August 25, 2014


We were blessed(?) to have received a dachshund puppy a few weeks ago. The phase, "Time flies when you're having fun." does not always apply here. Don't get me wrong, she is a puppy and to boot a doxie, which makes her doubly adorable. Her registered name at the vet's office is Coco Cook, but around the house she mostly answers to Hell Hound or more aptly, Pee Pee Head!
My Janet is a very thorough person and researched everything about this breed. The one recurring theme was that they are stubborn and hard to house train. Looking into those beautiful, big brown eyes, I naively asked, "How hard could it be to train a 4lb. cute little puppy?" The answer: more than you thought! Oh,and as I have found out, those are lying eyes!
Janet went on-line and bought a book about dachshunds and the 'proper' way to train them. Well that is about as useful as how to train children(I am still waiting for that 10 volume set to come out), but, Bless her Heart, Janet tried.
THE CRATE METHOD says to feed her, put her in her very small crate, wait approximately 20-30 minutes and take her outside to do her business. If nothing happens in about 10 minutes, take her back to her crate, wait 10 minutes and repeat this process until she does her business. when she accomplishes this she can then be 'trusted' to play around in the house, having related freedom to pooping/peeing outside means free range of the house. This was evidently written by an evil dachshund who possessed opposable thumbs. Our little bundle of joy would do her business outside, run around the house a few minutes, then, while staring us in the eyes, squat and poop again, as if to say, "Let's get this straight, I make the rules around here." BACK IN THE CRATE! Now as unpleasant as that was, it was the jumping up on the sofa and peeing that almost sent out the 9-1-1 call to save that dog's life. We have a mini-carpet cleaner for the floor, but Janet's sofas are sacred. All I can say is, THANK GOD FOR SCOTCHGARD, or there would be a suspicious, albeit, small mound it the backyard under the Crepe Myrtle tree. Janet tried to circumvent part of the problem by putting old quilts on the sofa and love seat until the 'training' took effect. We washed 2 quilts a night the first week!
THE PEE PADS! This was my ante into the poker game, a game we were unwittingly playing against a 'Sharp', as the were known in the Old West. They must work, I thought stupidly to myself. They have them in the pet aisle of every major food store. They even have them in 'store brands' which means they are big sellers. Never equate being a big sellers to a product that works. The instructions say to place the pad near an exit door, put the pet on it and let it smell it, as it is treated with a chemical that makes the dog want to do its business. I would love to buy a spray bottle of that stuff(I know some People I would spray it on, but that's just me). Then after a few times of your dog going to the pads, remove it to just outside the door, and keep moving it until you are in a suitable outside area for the dog(more instruction written by that evil doxie). I put Coco(a.k.a. Pee Pee Head) down on the pad that I had so neatly and lovingly spread on the hardwood floor at the front door. Like a little angel she stood there, looked up at me with those beautiful brown(again LYING) eyes, reached over and grabbed a corner of the pad in her mouth and took off running through the house, head held high, pad flapping in the wind like a banner, looking very much like she was the victorious general in a grand game of Capture the Flag! It is hard to be mad and laugh at the same time.
A few days ago, Janet sent me an e-mail while she was at work, saying that a patient had told her to try "Doggie Diapers". This had worked for her small dog and should work for us. Apparently that lady has no experience with our particular bred. On the way home that day, Janet stopped by Petsmart and bought a packet of the diapers. They looked all the world like diapers for newborns with the exception for a hole to allow the tail to poke through. Our plan was that after feeding her in the evening, taking her out to do her business, then bring her in, put on the diaper and let her run and play at will, hoping that she would associate this with proper toilet training, and at best, not soil our furniture.
This was one of those moments when you look back and say, "Damn, why didn't I film this?" We put Coco on the counter in the kitchen, and while Janet did her best to hold that 4lbs. of dynamite still, my part of this comedy act was to thread the tail moving a blurring speed into the tiny hole and then attach to tabs to the diaper as are normally held in place. The first couple of tries, Coco whipped the diaper out of my hands with that little brown rapier known as a tail. At one point I had the diaper held with my teeth while I held her hind legs with on hand and her tail with the other---instant problem, not enough hands! Finally, between the two of us, we managed to get it on her. When we stood her up on the counter, we both broke into simultaneous laughter. That poor dog looked like a Rap singer with his pants hanging down, it was pitiful. So it was back to the operating table. The second attempt managed to get the diaper on properly and looking pretty good. Janet put Coco on the floor and off that little dog ran and within a distance of less than 10 feet, had that diaper in her mouth, playing Round 2 of Capture the Flag.
Does anyone know where I can buy a doggie diaper made like Lederhosen???

1 comment: